October 07, 2007
Are high-earning women "dating down?"
I am something of an NPR enthusiast, and a regular listener of WBUR’s On Point.
On Point is known for its coverage of a wide array of issues; but like all media, the program occasionally repeats itself. (Yes, I know: I occasionally repeat myself too.)
One of the topics that On Point has covered multiple times is the romantic plight of upwardly mobile young women. Apparently there is a certain stratum of high-earning young women who lament that they are unable to find suitable marriage partners.
According to the experts that On Point regularly interviews on the topic, these women are unable to locate single males who are their socio-economic equals. In an alternative scenario, such men exist, but they feel “intimidated” by the women who earn as much money as they do.
On Point’s most recent version of the topic suggests that such young women have no choice but to “date down.” This program, which aired 10/01/2007, focuses on economically elite women who live in big cities, and who occupy top positions in finance, corporate management, etc.
I don’t have a simple answer for the single 31-year-old mutual fund manager who finds herself romantically challenged. I do, however, have a few observations:
1. The more impressive your resume (degrees, income, etc.) the harder it is to find a romantic partner who is your "equal" in all respects. This is true for men as well as women. The male surgeon who limits his marriage prospects to other surgeons will have a difficult time locating a spouse that brings as much to the table as he does----at least in the income department.
Conversely, the male surgeon who is willing to marry a nurse----or (gasp) a woman who works in the hospital gift shop----will find many more choices. Affluent men have been “dating down” for centuries. Is it reasonable, therefore, to expect that every woman with a six-figure salary will be able to find a marriageable man who also earns six figures? (And by the way, one may assume that the “marriageable” man also has to meet certain physical criteria. Short, myopic computer geeks need not apply.)
2. As you go up the socio-economic ladder, both men and women become pickier when selecting marriage partners. And the longer your “wish list,” the harder it will be for you to find a prospect that fulfills every point on the list. When faced with this situation, you have two choices: 1.) shorten your wish list, or 2.) remain single while you hold out for the ideal candidate.
3. There are few potential partners who fulfill the most ambitious wish lists in the areas of physical attractiveness, education, and income. Any single woman would be impressed with Bill Gates’ income; but the frumpy Gates is no physical specimen. On the other hand; men with an irresistible weakness for Bay Watch bikini models may find themselves listening to a lot of inane conversations over dinner. (You can’t keep up on current events if you spend ten hours each day working out and sunbathing, after all.)
So the problem may be a shortage of good men---or good women. Or it may be a problem of wish lists that have grown a tad too long.
This is not to say that the perfect romantic prospect does not exist; and you can opt to hold out for him or her. You might even find this idealized version of Mr. or Ms. Right (assuming that they aren’t already married, of course). As one of my friends who regularly buys lottery tickets says, “Somebody’s going to win it, you know.”
